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Deliver Us from Evil
Breaking the ice is always bizarre and uncomfortable, but it must be done.
My life at the moment is sweet and maddeningly simple. I have everything I want, everything I could need and the guilt that comes with that is overpowering. I live a privileged life, well provided for. I happened to pick the right partner and now I have a house, a car, and so much flexibility to pay down my school loans, I feel like I've cheated the system.
I am the picture of upward mobility: my mother's mother has nothing to her name but the double wide she lives in; my mother has a high school degree, but never made it to college; and I have two frivolous B.A.s, a masters in my near future, and am dating a Ph.D. student with thousands in stocks and wealthy parents who own a house on Maui half a mile from the beach.
The house I share with my boyfriend is outfitted with a swamp cooler in lieu of central air, composting bin, rain barrel, a prius in the garage, and soon to be solar panels this winter. We compost, recycle, or wash and reuse 95% of our waste. All this helps me sleep at night under my roof of Western luxury.
Someone I follow writes often on privilege and she makes compelling, outraged points that leave me reeling. I wonder what I am to do with my fair skinned, straight haired, 5'8", 120 pound frame self. How do I atone for my sins? The sins of my ancestors? How do I apologize for the color of my skin... or not apologize, but do penance for? My green-eyed, American-apple-pie face? Orthodontia perfected smile? Do I starve myself, fall in the dust, gnash my teeth? Do I educate the "unlucky" and teach them all I know about being a rich, young white girl in God's Country?
I am ashamed. I am at a loss. I can acknowledge the inherent evil of my existence, but what do I do? It seems the only full and proper way to absolve my own nature and circumstances is death, but my survival instinct, that of an animal, refuses.
My life at the moment is sweet and maddeningly simple. I have everything I want, everything I could need and the guilt that comes with that is overpowering. I live a privileged life, well provided for. I happened to pick the right partner and now I have a house, a car, and so much flexibility to pay down my school loans, I feel like I've cheated the system.
I am the picture of upward mobility: my mother's mother has nothing to her name but the double wide she lives in; my mother has a high school degree, but never made it to college; and I have two frivolous B.A.s, a masters in my near future, and am dating a Ph.D. student with thousands in stocks and wealthy parents who own a house on Maui half a mile from the beach.
The house I share with my boyfriend is outfitted with a swamp cooler in lieu of central air, composting bin, rain barrel, a prius in the garage, and soon to be solar panels this winter. We compost, recycle, or wash and reuse 95% of our waste. All this helps me sleep at night under my roof of Western luxury.
Someone I follow writes often on privilege and she makes compelling, outraged points that leave me reeling. I wonder what I am to do with my fair skinned, straight haired, 5'8", 120 pound frame self. How do I atone for my sins? The sins of my ancestors? How do I apologize for the color of my skin... or not apologize, but do penance for? My green-eyed, American-apple-pie face? Orthodontia perfected smile? Do I starve myself, fall in the dust, gnash my teeth? Do I educate the "unlucky" and teach them all I know about being a rich, young white girl in God's Country?
I am ashamed. I am at a loss. I can acknowledge the inherent evil of my existence, but what do I do? It seems the only full and proper way to absolve my own nature and circumstances is death, but my survival instinct, that of an animal, refuses.